this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
