if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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