I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if only i could text you this smell
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
