I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Randomize
