mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize