I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
