Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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