I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
