the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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