My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
