Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize