Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
