Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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