you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
