I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
