thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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