You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
