He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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