I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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