wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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