you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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