just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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