i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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