Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
