please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
