I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
