You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
