I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
