Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He keeps bees of course he's weird
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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