call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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