i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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