i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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