I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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