Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
