every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
