I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
