what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
