I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Hippo gnu deer
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
