Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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