I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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