I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize