I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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