my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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