I have demons in me.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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