I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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