he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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