My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
