I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
