Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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