so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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