You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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