weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I didn't notice because vodka
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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