Someone shit on the floor
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
