Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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