Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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