Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
