Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
