i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
