how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
