I can text with my tongue
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
