he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Sober January is a disaster.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
