I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
