I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
