You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
