There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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