cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
