textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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