i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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