I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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