I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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