a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize