He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He passed out mid-signature
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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