If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
