You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We need to get me chipped asap
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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