I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
