When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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